For the past few weeks this thought has been kicking me in the base of the skull daily and nightly. I graduated from college in May, and I relished in the freedom from schedules and expectations of homework, tests and financial aid bureaucracy. But as the days draw closer to the time when I'd typically be gearing up for "back to school," I find myself wanting that rush of excitement for new challenges that a semester can bring. New projects, new writing and artistic opportunities, new things to learn from art instructors... I am far from done learning, and I am nowhere near where I want to be artistically.
Additionally, over the course of the past few months, I have done nothing but job hunt every day and night to try and find something, anything, to secure my financial situation. I've had a few job interviews that built up my hopes. I've had return interviews that made me think something was sure to come of it. I haven't landed a damn thing. Instead I've eaten through all my funds and my beloved girlfriend has been relegated to a position of house supporter. And I Hate That. This is supposed to be an equal relationship, a partnership, and I can't hold up my end.
I really wish I could go to grad school. I can't though. I can't go to grad school because my little brother and sister need to finish college themselves. I can't go to grad school because I can't get any loans on my own, and my artistic portfolio is lacking. My parents can't help me financially anymore, as their bills and their medical expenses and the needs of my siblings are far too much for them as it is.
I need a way out.
I need a job.
This constant stress and worry is making me sleepless. I'm finding it harder and harder to relax and appreciate all these little things that make life awesome, that remind me that things could be worse.
I'm hoping on a wing and a prayer that this last job interview calls me back, gives me back some of the security I previously treasured.
This has been a venting exercise.